Monday - Weekend Update

My weekend was fairly mild. The wife and most of the kids were out of town. I had to some work to do on Saturday. But for the most part, I had the weekend, and house, to myself. That never happens! So, you know what I had to do, don't you? I had to rent NEW porn! Two videos. Something about a brunette, and ass-bangs. I don't know - I don't look at the titles, and I definately don't follow the story line. Lets face it, I'm in it strictly for the bitches, and the filth. And who isn't? What idiot rents hard core porn for the story line??

I took Viagra before watching my newly rented porn. Why? I don't fucking know!
I thought it would enhance the experience. And it did. An hour and a half later, of spanking it nearly raw, to the point of fucking pain, I finally let loose. It was like goddamn Old Faithful! The spuge shot out, gaining heights I haven't achieved since I was 15!! It splashed my face and shoulder, it hit the head board, and the wall behind it! It was a fucking mess. A glorius, disgusting fucking mess! And I had to bask in the after glow of it. Lay there and revel in the burn, and the cooling stickiness against my skin. Yeah. It was like that.

I told my co-workers about it this morning, without thinking. I was just so happy about the experience, that I had to share. I was told this story was perfect fodder for the blog. So, yeah, tack this one up to I talk too much.

The Gay Report: His Royal Gayness is back from vacation! He is walking a little funnier than usual, but to hear tell, he had a gay ole time! He took lots of photos, which I'm not entirely sure we want to see. He met a pair of twins on the cruise, and spent nearly the entire gay cruise with them. I suppose its every man's fantasy to fuck twins, although I like my fantasy a lot better, and it only involves one dick - mine! But after Mr. Fabulous has organized his pictures, and left the more disturbing ones out - I might post em here for you to see.

Porn Friday! porn.. Porn .. PORN!!!!!!!

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Thursday - Family Day

Let me start off by saying this - I love my wife and kids.

Now, when I talk about my kids, it will be in general terms, without specifics of their lives and who they are. All but one are still minors, and while our family times are chock full of interesting shit, even I have to draw the line some where.

Ok, general disclaimers out of the way... and here we go.

People Living in my House: At any given time, there are people living in my house, that are not related to my family. These people mostly consist of my daughters' friends/boyfriends/strays they found on the street.

A few months ago, we had one of the daughter's friends living with us. While the details aren't that important, her parents asked a favor, and we agreed. She seemed like a nice girl, and both of the youngest daughters seemed to get along with her just fine. In fact, the youngest began to hang around with our house guest, getting into areas of adolesence that jumped way over the innocent line.

Booty shorts. Lets side track for a moment. We all love the booty shorts, right? Showing off a girl's ass, all tight and you know the girl wearing them is a dirty, filthy whore.. ohh yes.. We can discuss this further tomorrow, on Porn Friday.

Anyway - yes, booty shorts. We love them - except when our youngest daughter is wearing them! Around horny teenage boys! So, that relationship ended quickly, the skank moved out, and for a brief time harmony was restored to the household.

Then, the oldest daughter returned to the home. Moved in. With her boyfriend, who has now become the Baby Daddy. Thats right. She's pregnant. So, more people living in my house.

And as of this week, a stray has moved in. A friend of one of the daughters. He seems to be a nice kid, but I've been fooled before! He has insomnia, and doesnt sleep at night. How fucking creepy is that? I'm sleeping, the kids are sleeping, the wife is sleeping - and this kid is night-walking around my house.

So, the newest count for People Living in my House this week is..... 8, if you dont count the fetus. God damn it.

The Cat Count: We started with 4 cats. One cat got pregnant, then another - and yet another. One got fixed. But only one. We went from 4 - to 1o, gave two away, and went down to 8.

Let me just interupt you right there - Yes, I know a weekly Cat Count seems damn silly, you asshats - and truly it is. However, in my home, the Cat Count can change daily, so yeah, it warrants a weekly update.

Back on subject. Two more litters of cats - and the total went up to 17. I come home from work yesterday, and there is another cat in the house. This one, named Boots (god damn it) has no relation to any of our other cats. One of the daughters brought it home. So, we are up to 18 cats. In the house. On the furniture. Crawling on the counters. In my bed. On my clothes. Pissing and shitting, in the house. Fucking cats.

Oh yeah. We have a dog, and a lizard. So couple the zoo with the stray people, my house is chaos, and I am living in the middle of it.

The Gay Report: His Royal Gayness is on vacation this week, evidently taking a "butch gay cruise". Haaay! So, the Gay Report will continue next week. I hope Nancy boy packed a lot of lube. I'm sure we will get all the gory details and update you sick fuckers next week.

So, in place of the Gay Report, I have a picture of some one else that works in my office, Gary. He is pounding on the closet door - ah hell, who am I kidding?? He is stepping out of the closet, in full drag, baby!

"Hey! I'm a superstar!"

Welcome to the Spank Tank!

The idea of this blog was born at work, talking to my co-workers one morning. They await each day, anxious for yet another tale from the pages of the book that is my life. I am more than happy to oblige. You see, I suffer from a well known, but rarely talked about disease. It is an affliction that I have battled my entire life. Diarrea of the mouth. I open my mouth, and the shit just flies out.

After telling a grand tale of my life at home with the wife and kids, my boss said I should write a blog. It would be entertaining, he said. It would also be a way to update other people who don't work with us, but have to hear these tales second hand. Evidently, my life and times are re-told, much like the days of old - fantastic tales handed down from one person to another.
So here! The creation of my blog - Tales from the Spank Tank.

Why the Spank Tank, you ask? We'll get to that later. First, let me outline this blog for you, so you understand the format, and what to expect. I have every intention of updating this blog daily, giving my readers every last detail, no matter how dirty, disturbing or humorous it may be. And since there are so many aspects of my colorful life, I have decided each day will have its own theme.

Mondays: Weekend Update. With 4 teenage girls, and 1 teenage boy, the weekends are always filled with excitement, and events that warrant an update.

Tuesdays: Brain Droppings. (Thanks Mr. Carlin, for your genius) Tuesdays will be a day of reflection, of prose witty and deep. A day where anything can, and will be said.

Wednesdays: A visit from the Ghost of Spankings Past. Here, I will discuss "My life with Brian", "Regressions", "Happy Handy" and other delightful tales from when I was younger.

Thursdays: This will be Family Day. I will update you, dear readers, with the stories of my family life. Everything from the annual Cat Count, Adventures of Super Spy, Daughter Updates, and the ever popular "People Living in My House."

Fridays: The most exciting day!! On Fridays, we will be discussing my favorite things.
1. Porn. Porn. Porn. Cant get enough. Love it. Need it. I will be sharing with you, my friends, my favorite all time porn links.
Subcatagory 1a. - "What's on the Blackberry?" Since my porn addiction knows no bounds, I have created quite a library of porn on my Blackberry. I will share these tasty tidbits with you every week.
2. Jailbait. Well, not literally - but you know what I mean, eh?? Of course you do!
3. The Gay Report, featuring my friend, His Royal Gayness.
4. I Talk Too Much. Here, I will outline the embarrassing, faux paux slips of the tongue for which I have become some what famous.

So there you have it! A rich and meaningful agenda to keep you entertained during the work day. Stop by often to catch up, and leave your own comments and life experiences.

Oh, one more thing. Here in the Spank Tank- dont touch anything, and watch where you sit. Seriously. The place is crawling with DNA.